Do you feel that no matter how hard you try you can’t do anything right? That you can’t please anyone – at any time. None of that: “some of the people, some of the time…” hoo-ha.
That is where I am… thanks to the last 24 hours.
Even when I have tried my best, it is met with criticism, anger, derision, disgust, and ungratefulness. Was that what I expected when I started out? Of course not.
So what can I do about it.
- I can remember that I am an adult. I might not want to be an adult most days, but I am. Since one if the incidents involved a teenager, I need to keep reminding myself that, even though she SHOULD know better, she probably doesn’t.
- I’m just going to suck it up and keep reminding myself that my motives were good. That I am not at fault, that I did nothing wrong, I am bigger than this.
- I guess #2 applies to all incidents – teenagers or adults – I know the truth within myself. I know that I am not as terrible as might be believed.
That is hard, though, isn’t it. How many times a day does my brain replay the incident. Since I tend towards pessimism (big surprise there if you have ever read my blog), I replay them constantly. I would venture to guess that I replay some things 100s of time and imagine different scenarios of resolution or confrontation or communication each time.
I wish I didn’t feel like I need people’s approval. But I do. There they are again, my insecurities jumping up and down to get out.
Those people full of self confidence, that don’t let little things phase them…. that take things in stride and let things “roll off their backs.” Yeah, that’s not me. It has never been me. I need reassurances. I need approval – right or wrong – it is how I am wired.
I am sucking up the teenager incident because I know that child and know that, in reality, she needs approval and her rant of disgust was just a chance for her to be the center of attention.
When the incident is adult-adult, that is harder. Then my insecurities really come out full force because I begin to doubt myself. I do not have confidence. I am cowed by their words. I usually feel insignificant and a lesser human being when harsh words are expressed to me from someone that should be my peer. I do not do confrontation and thus, become like a turtle and retreat into my little shell of safety – usually with my knitting needles.