Reflections from 4 years

g12c000000000000000110788669b514916cdde1e2117c088701662408cIt has now been 4 years since my life was irreparably changed.  Yes, NOT repairable,  incapable of being rectified, remedied, or made good.  I could explain again how one person shouldn’t have had the power to do that… but this is more reflections on where we’ve come in 4 years.

  1.  We are NOT done grieving.  I am NOT done grieving.  I’m not certain I ever will be.  As I have said before, the life I had was  a life I wanted and it was forcibly removed from me and I had no say in the matter.
  2. We are trying to just live life as best we can.  Some days/weeks/months it is more of a struggle than we’d like.  We, unfortunately, now know how Food Stamps work… and unemployment.. .and the atrocities of Medicaid/Obamacare.
  3. I would say that we are still in survival mode.  I wish this wasn’t so, but I’m not certain how to get out of it.  I wish that we were thriving… but when you are always conscious of every penny and you have to think twice before you can buy a t-shirt for your child at a band competition… or swim meet…and you sometimes visit a food bank… that is not thriving.   I love the game/show Survivor.  Honestly, I would rather have done that for 39 days than live this life for the last 4 years…. burnt rice, bug bites, back stabbing and all.
  4. Our family unity is reaching all time lows.  I try… I really do… but it is hard.  I do my best to provide the younger 2 kids the things that the older ones took for granted, but it is harder and harder.  We no longer eat meals together at the table very often which I prided myself in doing.  We have often struggled with this during swim season (with conflicting practice schedules) but we really made an effort regardless.

There are some things that my heart still grieves for… things that “fueled” me… that gave me hope, that filled my soul, that encouraged me, that helped to give me purpose, that bonded our family…  those things I cannot get back in our current state of life.  Honestly, I do not have hope that I will ever do those things again.

  1. leading VBS – encouraging the teachers, teaching the songs, helping with the crafts, organizing it all into one cohesive event, sharing the message with the congregation/parents.
  2. Preparing a Christmas pageant/Program with the children/youth.  I have several fabulous Christmas pageant musicals that I envisioned being able to use over and over again with various congregations.  Fun songs, cute donkeys, wise men that crack jokes, “Haste” the shepherd, “Lo” the angel… helping the children learn some new Christmas songs and some old ones.  Giving them a fresh perspective on the Christmas story.
  3. Putting together a fun Children’s Musical.  Again, I have several of these that I truly planned on using again.  They are such fun.  Hard work for both me and the kids, but with such great messages and it gives the children a chance to be the star and to worship their  way.
  4. Being part of a choir.  When we first had to move on, I asked the choir director where we are attending if we could just show up on Sunday’s during the run through time and sing with them, that we had lots of church choir experience and most likely we had sung the song before, or a close version.  We were not able to attend the midweek practices due to the kids schedules and the distance.  He was going to think about it… yeah… 4 years later his silence speaks volumes!  I feel like that if he had just taken a chance, it would have helped in our healing process.
  5. I miss being part of a community that loves me, wants me, encourages me, needs me, respects me, supports me, loves my kids, and blesses us.


Where are we today?

Unfortunately, a job that I loved ended in June.  I am currently working at a job, I’m not completely happy with.  I feel like I was forced to take this job because I needed  to have a job.

I am doing my best to take care of home and family.  I feel like I fail at that a lot.  I hope that my younger kids understand that I tried the best I could.  That even though their life is significantly different from the life they (and their older sisters) were used to, I have tried.

I am still leading Girl Scout Troops.  I enjoy that and it is a nice outlet for me to encourage those girls as I have encouraged over 100 girls over the years.

I am knitting/crocheting more these days – for multiple reasons – to fill the time, to distract my mind, to bless others.

The girls are all doing well.  They are excelling in school.  They are making wise decisions and being responsible young adults.

Wayne has finally found another job (he was unemployed AGAIN this year for 6 months).

I know that most of you (99%+) of you don’t fully comprehend what we have gone through… are going through… but I do appreciate your kind words, cards, and prayers.    It has been a tough 4 years.   I’m not sure I see a light at the end of this tunnel, but my night vision is getting better and I am making my way through it as best I can.